No Contact Explained

No contact isn't a game.

It's not revenge. It's not 'playing hard to get.' It's not punishing him or proving a point.

No contact is the only way to break a trauma bond. Period.

And I know that statement might make you feel defensive. Maybe you're thinking 'But my situation is different.' Or 'I need to stay friendly for the kids.' Or 'It's not that serious—I just need boundaries.'

I get it. I resisted no contact too. I tried the 'let's be mature adults about this' approach. I tried the 'we can still be cordial' approach. I tried every approach that let me keep a door open—just in case.

And every single one kept me trapped.

Because here's what I didn't understand: A trauma bond isn't just an emotional attachment. It's a neurological addiction. And you don't heal from addiction by taking occasional hits of the drug.

Today, I'm going to explain exactly why no contact is the only method that actually breaks trauma bonds—the neuroscience of why nothing else works. I'm going to give you a practical framework for how to do it. And for those of you with complicated situations—kids, shared custody, workplace—I'm going to show you how to do modified no contact that still protects your healing.

By the end of this article, you'll understand why no contact isn't cruel—it's critical. And you'll have everything you need to implement it, starting today.

Why No Contact Is the Only Way

To understand why no contact is non-negotiable, you need to understand what a trauma bond actually is at the neurological level.

Your Brain on a Trauma Bond

A trauma bond is created through a process called intermittent reinforcement—unpredictable rewards mixed with punishment. It's the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive.

When you're in an abusive relationship, your brain doesn't get consistent love and safety. Instead, it gets chaos—cruelty followed by kindness, coldness followed by affection, fear followed by relief.

This unpredictability causes your brain to release massive amounts of dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline. Over time, your brain literally rewires itself to crave this cycle. It becomes addicted to the relationship the same way it would become addicted to a drug.

This is not metaphorical. Brain scans show that people in trauma-bonded relationships have the same neurological patterns as people addicted to cocaine.

Why 'Just Boundaries' Don't Work

Here's where most people get stuck: They think they can heal while maintaining contact. They think boundaries are enough.

But here's what happens neurologically every time you have contact:

Your brain gets a hit of the drug. Even if the interaction is negative. Even if you're just checking his social media. Even if it's a single text that says nothing important.

Every contact reactivates the addiction pathway.

It's like an alcoholic saying 'I'll just have one drink.' The neural pathway lights up, the craving intensifies, and you're back in the cycle.

You cannot heal an addiction while continuing to use. And you cannot break a trauma bond while maintaining contact.

The Withdrawal Reality

When you go no contact, you will experience withdrawal. Real, physical, uncomfortable withdrawal.

Expect:

• Obsessive thoughts about them
• Physical cravings—your body will actually ache
• Panic and anxiety
• Depression
• Bargaining—'Maybe if I just...'
• Fantasizing about contact

This is temporary. It's your brain detoxing. The most intense phase typically lasts 3-4 weeks. After that, the cravings get weaker, the thoughts become less frequent, and you start to feel like yourself again.

But—and this is crucial—every time you break no contact, you reset the clock. You go back to Day 1 of withdrawal. All that suffering, and you have to start over.

This is why no contact is the only way. Not because it's the cruelest option—because it's the kindest. It's the shortest path through the pain, not around it.

The No Contact Protocol

Now let me give you a practical framework for actually implementing no contact. This is the 30-day foundation that starts rewiring your brain.

Phase 1: Block Everything

No contact means NO contact. Not 'some contact.' Not 'only when necessary.' None.

• Block their phone number
• Block all their social media—not just unfollow, BLOCK
• Block their email
• Block any gaming platforms, Venmo, PayPal, CashApp, shared Spotify or Netflix accounts

And here's the part people miss: Block their friends and family too. These are potential 'flying monkeys'—people who will relay information about you or give you information about them. That information is just another hit of the drug.

Every single access point needs to be closed. Not because you're being dramatic—because your brain will use any open door to get its fix.

Phase 2: Remove Triggers

Your environment is full of things that trigger the addiction. They need to go.

• Delete photos from your phone—save them to a cloud folder first if you need them for evidence, but get them off your device where you'll scroll past them
• Remove or store gifts they gave you
• Change the perfume or cologne they liked
• Create new playlists—no 'your songs'
• Avoid 'your places' for the first 30 days at least—the restaurant where you had your first date, the park where you walked

You're creating a detox environment. You're removing everything that triggers the neural pathway you're trying to starve.

Phase 3: Fill the Void

The trauma bond filled something in you—even if what it filled was painful. When you remove it, there's a void. If you don't fill that void intentionally, your brain will fill it by obsessing about them.

Here's what helps:

• Movement. Exercise releases the same neurotransmitters the trauma bond hijacked. Even a walk helps.
• Connection. Real connection with safe people. Support groups, friends, family who understand. You're replacing the unhealthy bond with healthy ones.
• Identity work. Who were you before this relationship? What did you used to love? Start rediscovering yourself. This isn't optional—it's essential.
• Structure. Don't leave hours of unstructured time for your brain to spiral. Schedule your days. Fill them with things that require attention.

The Daily Practice

Every morning for the first 30 days, write three reality truths:

This takes five minutes. It anchors you in reality when your brain wants to romanticize the past.

When No Contact Isn't Possible

I hear you saying: 'But what if I can't do no contact? I have kids with him. I work with him. I'm still legally tied to him.'

Let me address these situations specifically.

Co-Parenting: Modified No Contact

If you share children, complete no contact isn't possible. But modified no contact is.

The rules:

• All communication goes through a parenting app—OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, AppClose. Text and phone calls are too intimate. Apps create documentation and distance.
• Topics: KIDS ONLY. Nothing about your life, their life, the relationship, anything personal. Only logistics about the children.
• The grey rock method: Be boring. Factual. Brief. No emotion, no engagement, no drama. 'Johnny needs to be picked up at 3pm' is the energy. Not 'Hey, how are you?'
• Exchange kids at neutral locations—school, a public place, a police station if needed. Don't go to their home. Don't have them come to yours.
• No personal information exchange. They don't get to know about your job, your friends, your life. You are a co-parent, not a friend, not a confidant, not a source of information.

Workplace Situations

If you work with them, limit contact to work-only topics. No personal conversations. Keep interactions brief, professional, and documented.

If possible, talk to HR about adjusting schedules or teams. Many workplaces have policies for this. You don't need to share details—just that you need physical and professional separation.

Outside of work, full no contact applies. No texting about non-work things. No connecting on personal social media. No 'quick drinks after work.'

Legal Proceedings

If you're in divorce proceedings, custody battles, or any legal situation, all communication goes through lawyers.

Let me repeat that: ALL communication goes through lawyers. Not 'most.' ALL.

Every direct communication is an opportunity for manipulation, evidence that can be used against you, or a trigger that sets back your healing. Your lawyer is the buffer. Use them.

The bottom line: Modified no contact is harder than complete no contact—because the temptation is right there. But it is possible. The principles are the same: Minimize exposure. Remove emotion. Protect your healing fiercely.

The Emergency Toolkit

There will come a moment—probably multiple moments—when you're about to break no contact. You'll feel like you HAVE to reach out. The craving will be overwhelming.

Here's your emergency toolkit.

The 24-Hour Rule

When the urge hits, say to yourself: 'I will wait 24 hours. If I still want contact tomorrow, I'll reconsider.'

The acute craving will pass. It always does. You're not actually going to want contact tomorrow the same way you want it right now. The craving is a wave—it peaks and it passes.

The Play It Forward Technique

Before you break no contact, play out every scenario:

Scenario one: You reach out. They respond kindly. You feel relief—for a moment. Then you get hooked back in. The cycle restarts. Weeks or months later, you're back at Day 1 of no contact, having to do all this again.

Scenario two: You reach out. They ignore you. Or they respond cruelly. You're devastated. Shame spiral. Set back weeks in your healing.

There is no scenario where contact helps.

Play it forward honestly—and you'll see there's no good outcome.

The Emergency Protocol

When you're about to break:

Screenshot this protocol. You'll need it at 2am when your brain is screaming at you to reach out.

Your Next Steps

So here's what I want you to take from this:

• First: No contact isn't revenge or cruelty. It's the only neurological path to breaking a trauma bond. Your brain is addicted, and you can't heal an addiction while still using.
• Second: No contact means NO contact. Block everything. Remove triggers. Fill the void with healthy connections and identity work.
• Third: If complete no contact isn't possible, modified no contact works. Parenting apps, kids-only topics, grey rock, professional distance. It's harder but it's doable.
• Fourth: You will want to break no contact. That's withdrawal, not intuition. Use the 24-hour rule, play it forward, and know that the craving will pass.

And if you're ready for more support, explore my coaching programs—from group courses to 1:1 VIP coaching. I'm here to walk this path with you.